“I’m so Glad I Came, but I Can’t Wait to Leave…”
Downtown PORTLAND, OREGON (Voodoo Doughnuts & Ankeny Alley Plaza pictured above.
SHOT BY: DAN OSTERGEN
First of all? Shoutout to White Claw! They commented on my instagram post, AND are responsible for setting the stage with a lot of my college vibes - so let’s all just thank fruit flavored alcoholic seltzers (cause fuck hard alc.)
but now Bestie? WE RANT!
enjoy this subtly pessimistic but poetic shitpost. ˚ʚ♡ɞ˚
GIRL, for three fucking years, I poured my soul into my work, offering stellar entrepreneurial advice and guidance that could have lit a path for others. Yet, as the accolades faded, I found myself slipping into the shadows of obscurity. I open my device to find my respective club members on my dream trip to the NARS convention.. Without my knowledge, or consideration of concern.
I’ll also add: college advisors are absolutely NOT to be fucking trusted, and I totally could explore that topic more? But regardless of through whom the enemy striked, I must admit that the bright lights of ambition dimmed when the harsh truth struck— I simply lack the finances to pursue higher education and to chase the dreams I once nurtured…
or in other words - I'm in my early 20s crisis: broke as fuck, and in A LOT of debt!
In a society that rewards superficiality, my dreams feel like distant stars, forever out of reach, leaving me to ponder the worth of my contributions in a world that seemed indifferent to their significance. Here I was, a contributor to my own demise. My voice, once vibrant with ideas, faded into obscurity, suffocated by a system that valued the fleeting over the profound. In the end, it wasn’t just my dreams that remained unfulfilled; it was the very essence of who I was—a silent witness to my own erasure, because I absolutely do NOT enjoy failure and loathe any form of rejection EVER…. and did I mention - I CANNOT pass college algebra to save my fucking life.
Throughout my experience in Oregon, I feel I became like an influential older sister to many - despite being the epitome of a younger sibling, I was able to provide the sisterhood that many girls longed for but never truly had.
Placing social circles and drama aside, I also possessed an innate ability to shape and mold the collegiate careers of others. I did so not through textbooks or instruction, but in a way that offered guidance, a sense of belonging, and a chance to feel like they were part of something larger.
Still, as I stood in the shadows and attended a graduation I was always destined to be apart of, I felt the sting of reality: I need to destroy this concrete goal of graduating in 2024.. And that’s just the tea. The knowledge that while I helped others find their way, my own path was obscured by financial barriers and a society that valued superficial bonds over meaningful connections - I am appalled, and still very sick to my gut over it.
The TRIO △. Wintre, Lauren, & Diana.
Outside of Powell’s Books, Burnside; PORTLAND
I must say though, despite all the shit-talking, I fostered genuine connections that blossomed into a beautiful support system. Friends transformed into family, each bond deepening with shared laughter and tears. It was within these connections that I learned what love truly is. Wintre was one of my very FIRST friends in college - alongside Katie, who just drove across the country and back, for me! Other genuine people I met in class, like Erica Nyarko, or best friends at social events like Inesss, and cool ass work friends like Claire, Alyse, and Maelyn.
(I luv all my hoes!!)
anyway, I established and had been forming this union of people very early on in my experience: Wintre was the first friend to invite me to her family’s dinner, marking my first Thanksgiving away from Chicago - sparking an entire racial revolution, and essentially teaching me so much about what it means to be an African American woman growing up in an environment very different from the one I’m used to.
Diana, my forever roommate y hermana, I’m beyond grateful to have met her acquaintance! She’s among the top 10 most gorgeous women I’ve ever seen, and I have so much gratitude in my spirit for her unwavering support of me, and all my insanity. We’ve been through so much, and I’ll honor her as my sister, forever.
They truly are the definition of a ride or die crew, and we’ve seen it through literal thick and thin. I cannot wait to attend their weddings and experience more life with them all.
OUR FAVORITE BONDING ACTIVITY
Portland is also where I spewed the idea to become and fulfill my role as a PRO Makeup Artist, landing a job at MAC Cosmetics, and gaining yet another beautiful support system of wonderful women that I’ll NEVER ever forget (and should really publish a separate post about them and that experience)- nevertheless, I am truly grateful for it all.
Finding my boyfriend turned my world upside down in the best way possible. I’m experiencing the true essence of companionship, finding joy in the laughter and shared moments that fill our lives. Our relationship, baked in the warmth of understanding and authenticity, a stark contrast to the superficiality that surrounded us - Together, we carved out a space where passion reigned, a sanctuary from the noise of a world that often prioritizes the fleeting over the lasting.
Even as I celebrate these profound connections, I struggle with the weight of knowing that my own aspirations remained shackled by financial limitations, leaving me to reconcile the vibrant life I nurtured for others with the silent battles I faced within myself.
350 W Burnside St, Portland, Oregon
Tragic, but THAT idea, is what inspired this photoshoot! Embracing both sides of the coin I’ll never stop flipping. I will always place that bet on myself, that I shall persist in the face of advesity - No matter what. I’m almost certain that God just has other plans, and most importantly, options for my life.
And for that? I am eternally grateful.
p.s. fuck Fern, Edeet, and
any fake bitch ever.
